Although I can't remember much of my first trimester, I do remember vomiting, sleeping, and crying a lot. Eric's support, however, made it all much more bearable. His excitement about having a baby and the way he talked to my tummy helped me through the toughest days.
As my pregnancy progressed the nausea subsided. We found out we were having a girl and easily decided on the name Josie Rackley. I began to feel Josie moving more often, and I think that she began to recognize our voices. Even though Eric can't sing, she seemed to enjoy his songs anyway.
I began looking for birthing classes. I asked lots of questions of each birthing class instructor and was most confident with Andaluz. Eric and I quickly felt comfortable in the class. We anxiously anticipated our weekly visits with other expectant parents. One night we all gathered at Andaluz for a movie night. We watched Russian women giving birth in tubs and the ocean and took a tour of the facility. Andaluz was the most peaceful birthing location we had found. Eric and I realized that we wanted to have Josie there. This was the right place. Before I knew it I started going there for my prenatal care.
The rest of my pregnancy flew by. Eric spent his time finding outfits for Josie, clipping off the tags just so and making sure the clear plastic fasteners were out of each garment so that "Josie wouldn't get scratched." He organized and reorganized her things on his side of the closet. I continued to exercise frequently. Psychologically, I told myself if I could continue running until the end of pregnancy and keep doing sit-ups, I'd be strong enough to give birth naturally.
On June 15th (two weeks before Josie's due date) I found out I was two centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. On Tuesday June 19th we were nearly ready for Josie to arrive. That night we went on a walk and came home and had dinner. We stayed up late that night making a plaster cast of my belly. It was a warm summer night in Portland. We didn't talk much during the casting, but we knew what the other was thinking. When the cast was done we made love and I massaged Eric's feet.
I wasn't asleep for fifteen minutes when I felt three tiny knocks on my cervix. Josie was ready. A trickle of warm water followed and I rushed to the toilet. The trickle continued and regular contractions began. They lasted a minute each and were five minutes apart. I sat on the toilet for about an hour, practicing my relaxation techniques and talking to Josie. I told her that we were ready for her and that it was okay if it hurt. I told her that the pain would help her come to us and that she didn't need to be afraid; we were all going to be okay.
The contractions got longer, stronger and more frequent. I filled the tub with warm water and got in. This helped me to relax and get my body in positions that helped dilation. Eric checked on me and when my moans became stronger we called Andaluz. At 3:30 A.M. we arrived. Desiree had the bath water running and candles lit. I felt calm, safe, and comfortable. Desiree checked me and I was dilated to 6 1/2 centimeters.
When Eric and I stepped into the water I felt immediate relief. The water made the pain manageable. Initially, being on my hands and knees during contractions felt the best. Eric eased the pain by pushing on points on my back. Low moaning tones helped too. When it really hurt I talked to Josie. "Come on, Josie!" I said, "You're doing great."
Desiree and Jennifer came in periodically to check Josie's heart beat or to give me cool wash cloths or some juice. I liked watching them sit quietly taking notes. I liked having them there with us.
Transition scared me. The books that I read said that transition was the hardest part of delivery. Before long I felt tiny urges to push. They lasted a few seconds during each contraction. I was still waiting for transition. I asked Jennifer how much further till transition and how long would it last. I'll never forget what she said; those were the most pleasant words I heard that night. "Oh, Honey, you're way past transition. You've started pushing now." "If it's going to be like this," I said, "I can handle it."
Pushing became more involuntary and intense. It was if each muscle in my body knew exactly what to do to get Josie out. I squatted during the contractions now and held onto Eric's hands for stability. His presence grounded me and gave me strength. My body would shake sometimes and having Eric there seemed to calm the trembling. At one point I asked him to get me a cool washcloth and as he stood up to get it, I told him to stay. I needed him with me. I couldn't let him leave.
Pushing was much harder than I imagined, but I was progressing. Eric and I could feel Josie's head moving down the birth canal with each contraction. As the pain of pushing increased, so too did my body's ability cope. Between contractions I fell asleep for what seemed to be hours. Those short two minute naps gave me just enough strength for the next contraction.
I was afraid to leave the water, but Eric and Desiree convinced me that walking the stairs would aid in the delivery. They were right. The cool air and the movement invigorated me. I could feel Josie's head moving farther down as I walked. Once we returned to our room I got on the bed on my hands and knees. Here was our first glimpse of Josie! "I can see her hair. She has thick, dark hair," Eric said. "Michelle, I can see her hair!" His voiced cracked.
At this point, Desiree prepared the birthing stool. She placed a mirror underneath me so I could see Josie's head slip in and out. Eric stood behind me and pushed on my pelvis during the contractions to widen the opening. On the birthing stool was my first view of Josie. I could only see a quarter sized piece of her hair. Eric was right, it was dark and beautiful. I pushed harder then I ever had. I wanted her here. I wanted to hold her.
Before I knew it, Josie's head no longer slipped out of my view. Jennifer came in as Josie's head was crowning; just as the burning started. She held Josie's head to keep her from coming out and between she and Eric they got me back in the tub.
Immediately another contraction started. I ran my fingers through Josie's soft thick hair as I felt her head come out. She was beautiful. No sooner had I felt her head in my hand than she was out. Josie was here! She was perfect. Her dark eyes were open and alert and she breathed and sputtered out some water. Her tiny body was strong and pink.
I leaned against Eric as we held her in amazement. We stayed in the water as Josie nursed and the placenta was delivered. For almost 30 minutes we were silent, trying to understand what had just happened. When we were ready Eric took Josie as Desiree washed me. Eric gave Josie a bath and dressed her while I rested. It didn't take long before we were all asleep. We rested all day and after dinner went home.
The experience we had surrounding Josie's birth effected us in ways we are still trying to describe. We have often relived her birth trying to understand the intensity of gratitude and strength that we feel for such an experience. As far as we can know, Josie's birth was perfect.
