So Your Last Delivery Was Traumatic and You’re Pregnant Again—Now What?
7 Tips from a Trauma Therapist to Help You Prepare for a Redemptive Birth Experience
Written by Kelsey Thomas, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Minnesota and Oregon
In 2021, I found myself pregnant, and instead of feeling excited, I felt paralyzed by fear and dread. This didn't make sense because we had intentionally tried to get pregnant—this should have been happy news, right?
But instead, my brain kept replaying moments from my 2020 delivery, where I found myself in the operating room, hemorrhaging two liters of blood and being held down by medical staff because the epidural had failed. But I survived, and so did my baby. So why was my body all up in arms? I was FINE now—so what was the big deal?
The big deal is that our bodies remember times when we've lost our voice, choice, and boundaries. When something reminds us of that event, our bodies become hyper-vigilant, thinking it could happen again, and put us on guard. It’s the "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" mentality.
An important disclaimer: traumatic births can come in all shapes and sizes. Any experience where you felt scared, unable to keep yourself or your baby safe, or out of control can deeply affect you.
Thankfully, as a trauma therapist, I recognized these signs and spent my next pregnancy intentionally processing and preparing my body for a NEW birth story. Remember, trauma recovery isn’t linear, and extending compassion toward yourself can significantly ease the path forward.
Here's what I found helpful:
1. Find a Trauma Therapist
Seek a clinician trained in trauma. Therapies effective for medical or birth trauma include Brainspotting, Deep Brain Reprocessing, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, or EMDR. Start sooner than you think!
2. Start Telling Your Story
With your therapist, go through your experience step-by-step—line by line, moment by moment. Share what happened, how you felt, and what you wish had happened instead. If you don’t have someone you trust, you can do this alone, too. This process can be exhausting, but it helps your body realize that the traumatic event is in the past. Imagine a filing cabinet where your traumatic delivery pops up as the first folder every time. By processing your trauma, you file that
experience behind other life events. It’s always there, but it won’t dominate your attention anymore.
3. Reconnect With Your Body
Maybe you've heard of The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk? It's a seminal PTSD book, and the title is fitting. The body might sometimes remember things we've blocked out. And sometimes likes to remind us of those things in the most inconvenient times. Have you ever exploded out of seemingly nowhere? That’s the body having to spill stuff out sideways to get the release valve it needs. This tip is to help you get ahead of that shitstorm.
Being present in your body can be incredibly healing—and activating. It opens up communication between your brain and body. If your body has felt ignored, it might have a lot to say, which can feel overwhelming. It might give off major “pay attention to me” vibes, not dissimilar to anything that’s been overlooked and is suddenly handed a mic. So start small—3 to 5 minutes daily might be enough. Things like stretching, intentional yawning side to side, dancing, and humming are all great ways to begin. This increases body awareness and eases communication from the body to the brain.
4. Build a Safe Support Team
Surround yourself with people who understand your experience—midwives, friends, partners, family, doulas, ancestors, therapists, or neighbors. Create a team to liberate your voice, choice, and boundaries for your next birth. Let them know how they could show up in a way that feels supportive to you. Examples include: "Can you be on childcare standby?" or "If you notice my eyes glazing over, could you squeeze my hand and check in on me?"
Interestingly enough, I did a lot of meditations imagining my spine as a wooden staff and my ancestors holding it up like a totem, graciously offering me their courage and bravery.
5. Build Your Language
As we've learned, we can't control our birthing experience, but we can clarify what makes us feel safe. Is it knowing everyone’s name in the room? Being informed about your options? You decide. Your providers can only support your needs if you communicate them. A great way to build language is to reflect on your past experience by asking, “What do I wish had happened? If I had an advocate, what would I have wanted them to say or do?”
I personally made a short list of what would be helpful for me and taped it to the outside door of my room. That way, everyone was on the same page about what I needed, and I didn’t have to advocate for myself in real time.
6. Remind Yourself: This Is a New Delivery
This delivery is different from your last. Your body is different, it’s a new baby, and—hopefully— you have greater access to your internal and external resources. This is not a carbon copy of your last experience. The goal of this tip is to help differentiate this birth from the last one as much as possible.
What we're trying to avoid is trauma cycling or emotional flooding, where the body becomes convinced the same thing is going to happen again. That’s what healthy brains do—they find patterns, categorize them, and prepare us to repeat those experiences. It’s our job to support our brains by reminding them that this time is different, and we have more agency, skills, and support.
Try to notice what feels unique during your pregnancy, mental space, and support system. Talk about the differences—a lot.
7. Ground Yourself in the Present Moment
During your delivery, take a moment to observe your environment. Notice the room, the time of day, the season outside—anything that grounds you in the current moment. Recognizing these details can help your body differentiate between past and present, calming your nervous system.
You’ve Got This!
Your body and brain are resilient and ready to support you through this next chapter. These steps helped me feel embodied and present during my next delivery—I hope they bring you comfort and confidence too!
